Rendezvous
by Graffigraphy
Summary: The challenge was this: in any way, shape, or form, cross over the Stephanie Plum series with the ever-popular vampire novel, Twilight. And here’s what you get.
1. Ode to a Yellow Porsche

**This is RLM here, also known by my creative username, Graffigraphy. Although this fic is being posted under my account, in actuality there are three very smart, dedicated, and quite beautiful authors here that are contributing to this story. My girls are Matrix (matrix.1114) and Fire Hydrant (Bubble.Candy). And we bring you Rendezvous, the fic about nothing.**

**Well, not quite. Matrix challenged me to write a crossover between my favorite series in the world, Stephanie Plum, and my least favorite series in the world, Twilight. No offense to Twilight fans or anything. But what ended up happening was what will be a series of oneshots, all crossing over the two series in some way. Matrix is working on a multi-chapter edition, while I'm just going with the oneshots. And Fire Hydrant, once she finishes reading One For the Money, will, I'm sure, have a fantabulous edition to our fic.**

**It seems that Matrix and I are babes, but I think my dear friend Fire Hydrant may be a cupcake. Oh, and don't be surprised if this fic is **_**not **_**in the favor of the vampires. But oh well. You do what you have to do.**

**And now, the fic. I can guarantee you that even if the plot sucks and it makes you so dead bored that you would rather be watching grass grow, at least you'll be reading something written by the three most grammatically correct teenagers ever. So read at your own risk.**

* * *

I was tempted to say "are we there yet?" but for fear of sounding childish, I played it cool. "So…" I began casually, "How much further?"

Ranger glanced at me, his face blank. "Twenty minutes," he replied curtly, and then fell back into silence. I sighed and fidgeted in my seat.

"Where are we staying?" I asked. If we didn't start talking, I was going to go crazy. Ranger was _boring _when he drove. I think it had something to do with the whole "Zen state" thing.

"Holiday Inn," he said.

"What are you doing about, um, _supplies_?" Stupid question, I know. But this question needed more than a two word answer. I was hoping to get a conversation going before he got _too _P.O.'d at me.

"Tank had a box shipped up yesterday, so everything we need should be at the room."

"Oh. Cool."

I shifted again in my seat, this time sitting back in my seat so I could prop my feet up on the dash. If I had any choice in the matter, I would be taking a vacation in the Caribbean, tanning and drinking margaritas. Not stuck in a rental car on a highway in Washington, fretting about what the rain would do to my hair.

Back in Trenton, we had some… _complications_. At the moment, I was having a bit of trouble with an "admirer". I was convinced that the guy was harmless, but Ranger and Morelli both seemed to think that he was reaching stalker potential. Ranger wanted me to go to a safe house for a couple of days while they sorted out the mess, but naturally I refused. So my other option, sadly not being a trip to the Caribbean, was going out of town with Ranger for security business.

I think he was only taking me with him so that he knew I was safe, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit flattered when I was asked to be his backup. Normally that was a job for Tank or any of the other merry men. So hopefully this meant that Ranger didn't think I was a _complete _failure.

I pulled the file towards me and flicked it open. The FTA was an eighteen year old girl named Alice Cullen, arrested for three charges of grand theft auto. Her car of choice was a yellow Porsche Boxster, and she had stolen them on an extended vacation to Trenton. But why anyone would want to vacation there was beyond me. Apparently Alice Cullen had nothing better to do than steal cars.

Vinnie had bonded her out, but at the time that I was supposed to find her I was in a bit of a bind, so I gave the file to Bobby and Lester, promising them that I owed them a favor. And then everything went downhill. The story is that they went to the hotel she was staying at, knocked on the door, and were invited in to talk to her. Their conversation had lasted a total of about three minutes, before Lester was left with a black eye and dislocated shoulder and Bobby had had both of his thumbs broken and been zapped with his own stun gun. Apparently she jumped out the window to get away, and the next morning the room was deserted and she had run.

After a week of waiting, we got word of the girl being back in Washington, and the assignment was offered to any Rangeman employee that was qualified. Incidentally, no one volunteered. So Ranger had to go and get the girl himself, dragging me along in the process. He said that it would be a good opportunity to learn about making captures at other parts of the country, but I knew it was just so he could leave for two days without having to worry about me.

I glanced up when I felt the car decelerate as Ranger turned off the expressway. We passed the sign welcoming us to Forks, and I spent the next five minutes looking out the window, which showed me only mist and dreary trees. I shifted again when my ass started to numb and I put my feet on the floor, sitting up in anticipation.

As you may have noticed, I have problems sitting still. And there had been a lot of that today. What with the five hour flight and then the hour-long car ride, I was tired of waiting around. And possibly, I thought, excited to make a capture. I was looking forward to the adrenaline rush.

Ranger pulled into the lot of the Holiday Inn and I hopped out of the car. He went around to the trunk to grab our bags, and then with a hand on my back, led us into the hotel. Getting the rooms only took a few minutes, and soon we were upstairs, getting changed and equipped for the takedown.

I poked my head into the suite hallway that adjoined our bedrooms. "Um, Ranger? We're going to apprehend an eighteen year old girl, right?"

Ranger slid his knife back into his boot. "Yep."

"Yeah, because…," I frowned at the box of weaponry, "Doesn't this seem a little excessive?"

He leaned over me to pull a Glock out of the box. "Can't take any risks," he said. "Besides, you saw what happened to Santos and Brown. They're not gonna be able to live this down for a _long _time. We want this to be quick and clean."

"I know, but I've never apprehended a kid before."

"She's eighteen. A legal adult."

"She's still in high school."

Ranger gave me a hard look. "This girl stole cars. And injured two of my men. A little force may be a good thing."

I frowned but dropped the subject, knowing that trying to argue with Ranger would be about as effective as challenging a brick wall to a fistfight. I shrugged. "I'm ready."

* * *

Alice Cullen was panicking. And this was not something that happened often.

Well, okay, maybe _panicking _was a little bit of a strong word. More like nervous. Jittery. Butterflies in the stomach. She stood up and paced around her bedroom.

She had been having visions all day of a woman, perhaps in her thirties with wild, curly hair, coming to talk to them. Well, coming to talk to _her_. And Alice was almost positive it had something to do with the stolen cars.

She wrung her hands together and sighed. Something was wrong. There was definitely something wrong. She wracked her brain, trying to decipher the distorted visions, but every time she tried she couldn't help but draw a blank. There was something in the visions that was hidden from her. It had a presence like smoke, but she couldn't grasp it. And it was driving her nuts.

They had only been back in Forks for a week, and already complications had arisen. She had spent the past few months travelling around the country, and during the stop in Trenton, she had found her dream car: a yellow Porsche Boxster. Despite the shame of "borrowing" the cars to go for rides, Alice couldn't stop taking them. And finally, the third time she had broken in to go for a drive, she had gotten caught. Jasper, who had met up with her for a few days there, was able to pay for her to go out on bail, and a court date had been arranged. But she skipped it—too preoccupied with worrying about Edward and seeing dire images of Bella's future. It was only when those two guys came to "collect" her did she think back to the situation at hand.

After taking care of them, she got out of the hotel and found Jasper, telling him that she had to leave. So he went back and gathered her things, and she started the trip back west. She completely forgot about her little stint with the law after the whole "Bella is dead" fiasco, and then Italy, and it was only when everyone was settled back in Forks did she really start to contemplate her predicament. Her first step had been damage control.

To her knowledge, only Jasper and herself knew what had happened back in Trenton. But she knew that as soon as Edward got word of her arrest the whole family would know, and she didn't think that she could handle Esme and Carlisle's disappointment. Lucky for her, Edward spent all of his time around Bella, so he wasn't exactly paying much attention to the rest of the family. However, the second that both Edward and Alice had a moment free, she had yanked him out into the driveway, gotten into Rosalie's BMW, and drove them both with the windows sealed shut and music playing, so she didn't have to fear anyone in the family overhearing.

"You got arrested," Edward had said flatly. He obviously didn't believe it.

"_Yes_, Edward. People make mistakes, you know," Alice responded bitterly.

Edward smirked. "You've been alive for over one hundred years and you're a walking prophet. You, my dear sister, are not one to make mistakes as stupid as _this_."

"I don't know what happened! And I did it again, in Italy. That perfect little car—it would be kind of like having the golden opportunity to steal a… Vanquish, or something."

"You're missing the point."

They had bantered back and forth for a while, but Edward did agree to keep the crime a secret. They pulled into the driveway again and he had shaken his head. "Alice, you're going to have to make it right sometime, you know."

She nodded. "I know."

So that's why she was currently pacing back and forth, on edge with no idea what to do. Her visions were ominous and she assumed that people were coming for her, but she was torn between doing what was less embarrassing and doing the right thing. And she didn't even have anyone to talk to. Jasper was out hunting with Rosalie, and Edward was with Bella. Alice tried to shake the nerves out of her, but she was so jittery that she couldn't even sit down.

Downstairs, she heard the doorbell ring. Alice froze.

* * *

Alice called that she would get the doorbell, ignoring the strange sensation of nerves painfully tightening her chest. It turns out that even vampires get scared. Go figure.

She crept down the stairs and pressed her ear to the front door. She could hear a heartbeat out there, an impatient sigh, and then the tapping of feet. It was only one person. Just like her vision. Alice wondered idly if it was the curly-haired woman. But, after taking a deep breath, Alice reached out to open the door.

_Ding-doooong! _The quick chime of the doorbell in her ear nearly made her jump out of her skin. Alice grumbled under her breath, annoyed at the visitor's impatience. It was just when she was about to curse the person off that Esme glided into the living room.

"Something wrong, dear? You look a little pale."

Alice and Esme eyed each out for a moment before bursting out in giggles. Alice smiled. "No, I'm fine, Mom. Everything's good."

"Why don't you let that poor person in? They've been standing on the porch for a while now," Esme said softly. Alice sighed. She had to face this sooner or later—might as well get it over with now.

Alice opened the door as Esme fell into step behind her. The two women gazed out onto the porch, where an irritable man stood in front of them. He held up a book.

"Hello, ladies. I just want to take a minute of your time and speak to you about Watchtower and Jeho—" Alice took one look at the missionary, got her heart "palpitations" under control, and slammed the door. Esme tsked her, although she had a smile on her face.

"You could have heard the man out, you know."

Alice flopped down on the couch with a sigh. "You know, I probably could have. But I was not in the mood to be converted today."

Esme shook her head, but she was grinning slightly as she went back into the kitchen.

Alice glanced around the room, feeling overwhelmingly tired for a being that was unable to sleep. For once, the ability that she relied on every day of her undead life was failing her. She couldn't see the people that were coming for her. It was too cloudy, and time was too distorted. For all she knew, it might not be until next Sunday that they decide to show up at her doorstep.

Or maybe not. The doorbell rang again.

* * *

Ranger and I stood, side by side, on Alice Cullen's doorstep. Inside we heard the gentle scurrying of feet, a yelp, and then the door was wretched open by some guy that was so huge he could have been Tank's brother. I almost raised an eyebrow at Ranger, but instead I opted for being professional.

"Hello, my name is Stephanie Plum. My colleague and I were wondering if Alice Cullen was home."

"I'm here."

We saw a girl, not even five feet tall, come to the door with her head down. She looked miserable.

"Is there a problem?" A woman stood next to the big guy, and she was even more double-take worthy than the kid. She was taller than me, with nicer hair, a nicer face, and a _much _nicer body. Even when her face was laced with confusion, she still looked like a model just off the runway. Instantly, I felt my insecurities come up, and I had to force myself not to look at Ranger to make sure he wasn't studying her in the same way that I was.

"Um, hi," I said. Real smooth. "My name is Stephanie Plum, this is Ricardo Manoso, and we represent Vincent Plum Bail Bonds back in Trenton. Could we come in for a moment?"

She looked shocked, but the woman ushered us in. "Would you like to sit down?" she asked, gesturing to the living room.

Everyone sat except Ranger, who remained standing by my side. Always alert and ready to move, I assumed. But I sat next to the mother, who introduced herself to me as Esme, and her two kids were across from us: Emmett, the big guy, and Alice, our skip.

"So," Esme began, "Is there a problem?" she glanced at Alice and Emmett with questioning glances.

I took a deep breath. "Your daughter, Alice, missed a court date. We need to take her to Trenton with us to reschedule."

Esme's eyes widened, but before she could say anything, Emmett burst out in laughter.

"You got _arrested_? Man, it all makes sense now. _Ha! _What's Carlisle going to say?" Emmett clutched his stomach in laughter, while Esme shook her head.

"Oh, Alice. How did this happen?"

Alice looked like she wanted to cry. "I don't know! I just saw those cars, and I had this calling! I _needed _them, Esme! I don't know what's wrong with me!"

"Alice…"

"I'm sorry! I'll go back to Trenton—I swear. Esme, I won't do anything bad from now on. _Really_," Alice gushed. She stared down at her lap.

You know, I almost felt a little bad for the kid. I mean, she didn't give us an attitude or anything, and when you overlooked the fact that she beat up Bobby and Lester, she seemed alright. Hell, when I was eighteen, I can't say I never thought about stealing a Porsche Boxster. It's a pretty hot car.

Lucky for me I've got a supplier standing right next to me. I grinned.

"Hey, Alice, it'll be okay. It was your first offense, so you shouldn't get anything really bad," I told her.

She looked up at me and nodded slowly. "Okay."

Ranger walked forward and snapped the cuffs around Alice's wrist. Esme looked like she wanted to cry.

"Alice, Jasper and I will fly down as soon as possible to see you. Everything will be alright, dear."

"Yes, Mom."

As Alice and I started walking towards the door, I saw Emmett poke Ranger in the back. The man in black turned around to stare at Emmett with a raised eyebrow. Turns out Ranger doesn't like getting poked.

"Hey, Mr. Manoso?" Emmett asked.

"Yes?"

"You any good at arm wrestling?"

Ranger turned around and walked back over to me, deliberately ignoring the kid, whose disappointment was evident. "What?" I heard Emmett ask his mother, "I just wanted to know."

We walked outside and towards the car. However, Alice stopped short.

"Wow…," she breathed, "It's not yellow, but it's still beautiful."

I glanced over at Ranger's black Porsche Boxster and then to our FTA. However, it was Ranger that pushed her into the car with a quick, "Yeah, don't get any big ideas."

* * *

**A story by RLM. The epitome of awfulness.**

* * *


	2. Fangs and Strings and Shiny Things Pt I

**Matrix here. This is my contribution to Rendezvous. Keep in mind that my story is completely unrelated to RLM's one-shots. We just decided to publish them together, as part of our challenge. **

**By the way, don't be shocked to find that I poke fun at Twilight in this story. It's just so easy to do.**

**By the way, part two. The fabulous RLM gave me this completely epic title for my fic. Gotta love her.**

* * *

**Fangs and Strings and Shiny Things**

**Part I of quite a few more to come.**

I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock going about its business, unstopping in its merciless ringing until I took charge and turned it off. I rolled over in my bed to stretch, and my sight rested on my window. I looked out to overcast skies, with large clumps of white swirling weightlessly. I immediately frowned and wanted to crawl back under the covers. I was suddenly in a very bad mood. It was the middle of January, 7:30 in the morning, and the only fact I knew for sure about my day was that it was going to be very cold.

I debated my options. Drag myself out of bed and into the shower, then throw on some clothes and get some coffee. Or get back to sleep. I would have gladly fallen asleep, but I knew I had something to get done before the roads got even worse—I needed a new car. I was still driving around my uncle's powder-blue Buick from '53, which was _way_ older than I was. The Beast was still in prime condition without a scratch. The problem was, no one could look remotely attractive, let alone sexy, in that car. It was a muscle car, its only purpose to be admired by males. No woman cared about the car. Just a few of the reasons I needed to be rid of it. I was headed to Al's Car Emporium. I had money for one of his cars, but not for one of my dream cars, a Lexus.

You see, the reason I'm always short on cash is because I'm a bounty hunter. My name is Stephanie Plum. I work for my cousin Vinnie. He's a bondsman. He bonds people out of jail after they've committed a crime—the larger the crime, the larger the bond. They can return home, but they have to come back for their court date. If they don't appear at court, I have to find the people he's bonded out of jail, called FTAs. Some people just forget the date, while others run from it, and try to avoid me, too. Connie, Vinnie's secretary, gives me the bond agreements. I just have to catch the FTAs, dead or alive. There are some rules: I do have to follow the law, which includes no shooting, and I have to catch them before the two-week period ends. If I can, I get ten percent of the bond. If I can't catch them, Vinnie looses out on all of the money, and so do I. Which is why I try my hardest to catch the vermin out on bond.

This is where it gets tricky. I'm not the greatest bounty hunter. Even with my sometimes-partner, Lula. She's a large woman, and tries to squeeze herself into four-sizes-too-small clothing. She carries a gun, and has threatened people who've commented on her weight. She's a 'ho turned file clerk, taking the job only because of her resistance against Vinnie and his sexual harassment. Her last job was pretty handy in that respect. We're a pretty dysfunctional team, and when something bad happens, like burning down a pot house or finding dead bodies, the police think it's us. And it is us. More like me.

I'm a magnet to danger. The "success" of my career is my luck and my intuition. Plus, I have my mentor and friend, Ranger. He's what Lula calls fine, and more than that, too. We've had quite the interesting relationship. He's my protector, I guess.

Deciding that the lure of a new car was a worthy cause, I dragged myself out of the cocoon of warmth that was my blanket and scuttled to the shower. I was useless in the morning without my coffee, so I made the shower quick. I towel-dried my hair for now, and dressed in jeans, a tee shirt, a fleece sweater, and stuffed my feet into my warmest boots—knock-off Uggs.

I walked into my kitchen and turned on the coffee pot. After a few seconds, I looked into the pot. No glorious, steaming dark brown liquid had appeared. I opened the top and discovered the reason to my problem: there was no more coffee. I unearthed the coffee can from my kitchen cupboard and looked inside. I was at the bottom of the can. I emptied the can into the machine to get a few more grains of the bean, hopeful that it would be enough. I turned it on, and put the can in the trash. I had so many items on my growing grocery list. There was so much I needed, since I'd been running short on cash. I needed to find someone if I ever wanted to eat again.

Food was the main motivator for me to keep my bounty hunter job, along with paying the rent. And seeing Ranger, I guess. I'd gotten used to him. But more than Ranger, I needed money. And I needed a car to do my job to get money. It was a big problem that's never ended. There were always more skips than I could handle, and when I did manage to catch a few, there are always more waiting to be caught. Connie tried to hire someone else to pick up some of the slack, but no one's fit well. So it's just Lula and I, with occasional help from Ranger on the bigger, badder, harder bonds. And that's fine with me. I put my life on the line enough as is.

Once the coffee was done brewing, I poured it into a cup and drank it quickly. I already felt the buzz of caffeine as I walked into my bathroom. I showered, blow-dried my wet hair, and put it up and under a baseball cap. I put on two layers of waterproof mascara to make myself feel more upbeat and positive. Today was going to be a good day, I told myself firmly, despite the mood the weather outside gave me.

I gave Rex, my pet hamster and the only other permanent resident in my apartment, a grape for breakfast. He waggled out of his sleeping hole, took the grape into his mouth, and with his cheeks puffed, went butt-first back into his hole.

After stuffing a Rangers hat onto my head, I put on my thick winter jacket and made my way to the door. Grabbing my big leather handbag, I opened the door and shut it firmly, locking up behind me. It never stopped people from entering my apartment before, but maybe today would be different.

* * *

I was in pain. In agony. I had no idea of what was happening around me. No intentions of even figuring out where I was. That's how strong the pain was.

The last thing I remembered from this nightmare was Edward looking me in the eyes, his amber eyes shining, telling me it would all be okay, and taking my wrist to his lips. After that, the only thing I could feel or remember was pain.

The pain was so large I couldn't see what was going on around me. It fluctuated, so at points I was more aware than before.

I writhed, twisted and turned while lying down on a couch in a dark room.

Slowly, after hours of agonizing, I began to focus on some snippets of conversation. At one point, I heard a familiar male vice saying, "Dark…people…teach her…small place." I wasn't sure what the man was talking about, but I knew the answer would come with time.

Sometimes, I could hear and feel nothing but the pain and my own voice screaming in my head. At other points, I heard more conversations. The same man was saying, "…be soon… smoggy… no one will know… keep her safe…"

I began to feel things around me. For instance, I felt a hand clutched in mine. Soothing patterns being rubbed over my palm. Edward's voice whispering to me.

I realized it was his voice I had heard earlier.

Over a long period of time, I finally had the strength to open my eyes. I saw Edward sitting next to me in the dark. His eyes connected with mine and I felt whole. I knew exactly what had happened. Edward had changed me. I was a vampire.

* * *

After the elevator ride, I walked out through inch-deep slushy snow to the Buick. My jacket sleeve worked as a broom to dust snow away from the car, and as soon as the front, side, and back windshields were cleared of snow, I got in my car. Putting the keys in the ignition, I turned it on. I put the heat on high, and I sped out of my lot, wishing I was one of the many lucky senior citizens with nowhere to go, who were able to sleep through the snow.

Wipers working tirelessly, I drove along the streets to Al's. I was just down the street from his lot when I realized he, too, may be taking advantage of this snowy day to sleep in, or partake in another activity. I shuddered to think of what this activity could be, and I hoped, for my sake, that he would be able to see me.

I steered into his lot and saw Al. I was joyous to see him working, and despite the weather, I was smiling as I stepped out of the car.

"Need another car already, Stephanie?" asked Al.

"Yeah, as always," I responded. Since I visited Al so frequently, I could be his main source of income.

"See anything that interests you? I have a nice new Ford over there. Strong and sturdy," he offered, knowing my history of blowing up all of my cars, aside from the Buick.

"I was thinking maybe that one," I said, pointing to a car covered by snow. Underneath the white exterior was a green, almost-black Mazda 3. I had seen it the last time I was in need of a car, and had decided after one more blow-up, I would buy it. It was almost as old as the Buick, a '60, with almost 50,000 miles on it. Without my help, it would soon be headed to car heaven, so I figured I might as well speed up the process.

Al and I cleared off the car, then decided on a price that was within my budget. As I was about to drive away, I asked, "Hey, do you think I can leave that car here?" I pointed to the Buick, having forgotten all about it.

"Do you want me to sell it?" Al asked.

"No thanks. I think it's a family heirloom," I joked. "I'll ask someone to pick it up later."

"Sure. Take care, Stephanie," Al called as I drove out of the parking lot.

* * *

Edward sat with me, talking to me and explaining what had happened to me. But I could barely concentrate—I was _so_ hungry. He only caught my attention when he told me, "We're going to travel to Trenton, New Jersey. It's on the east coast, up north. Carlisle and I discussed this, and he thinks it's best that newborns be around humans as soon as possible so as to let them become accustomed to being around blood. He's already gone ahead to secure us an apartment."

"Where're we going?" I asked. "Why is it safe for me to be there?"

"We're going to the burg, as it's called. It's part of New Jersey. It will be safe for you. No one will be aware of your, well, condition. This time of year, Trenton is covered by thick snow clouds and smog, so there's no sunlight. We just have to let you become accustomed to being around humans. And I'll keep you safe, Bella. Don't worry."

I let Edward gather me in his arms to comfort me. His touch still felt cold. I pulled back from him.

"Edward," I said. He looked down at me, very confused.

"You're warm," he said, as though he was now able to read my mind.

"Can you read my mind?" I asked, afraid that becoming a vampire had led to my undoing. Edward would become bored being able to read my mind, and he would leave me. I would be left to travel this lonely world forever.

"No, I can't. But I felt your warmth," Edward explained, bringing me back from my nightmare and calming me down. He gave me a hug once more, rocking me back and forth to reassure me of his constant love. He turned my face towards him, and kissed me, hard. I knew I was a vampire then; he kissed me with all of his might, and I was not hurt. I pulled back and we both smiled.

"So, what kind of powers do you think I'll have?" I questioned him.

"We'll have to wait and see," Edward said. "It took me a month to realize what was truly happening to me, and it was a few years before I was able to realize the extent of my power."

"So, when are we leaving for Trenton?" I asked.

"As soon as you're ready. First, we have to pack us a bag. Alice already bought clothes for you," he said, pointing to a bulging bag at the end of the couch. "We're going to run there. You're not going to be safe going into a crowded airport yet, and you would become very dissatisfied if we were to board the plane. It will be hard for you at first. You're never going to leave my sight." Edward looked at me with concern, as if he expected me to argue with the arrangements. I was too weak to do anything but sink back onto the couch. I asked another question after a few moments.

"Is anyone else coming with us?"

"Just us," Edward replied soothingly. "I'll leave you alone now. You lie down for a few more moments." He left the room, presumably to gather our belongings.

It was then I fully realized that I would not see any of_ them _for a long time. Not Jacob, whom I wasn't sure if I loved, and the rest of the Quileute boys. I had become close to them after the vampires and the werewolves worked together to save me from Victoria, who was trying to kill me in return for Edward killing James, her mate. It was a lover-for-lover deal in her mind. Fortunately, we dealt with her before she could touch me. I was going to miss them all so much. I sat with my memories of the werewolves' protection, until a strange thing happened. My eyes began to feel heavy. Soon, they closed of their own accord. Almost similar to sleep...

**Both Matrix and RLM would greatly appreciate any feedback you have to offer. Comments, questions—use your imagination.  
**


	3. Killer Cliché

**One of the greatest things about fanfiction is when you make fun of all the other shit on this site. And don't get me wrong, reading this stuff is fun. Why else would you be here now if it wasn't? But I think that a lot of people will agree with me when I say that ninety percent of what I see on this site is pure, unadulterated crap, laced with formatting and grammatical errors, Mary Sues (the horror!), and generally awful writing. Not to say that mine is any better, of course.**

**But this is where we introduce the magical parody, where I take everything that is wrong with both Stephanie Plum and Twilight fanfiction (although I find the Twilight fanfiction clichés about as bad as the book itself) and I make fun of it to my heart's content. So read at your own risk, as your favorite author, RLM, bitterly tears apart all those fanfiction characters and clichés that you know and love.**

**So yes, remember that this is a parody. And it's...what do you call it... crack? I think.**** So enjoy!**

* * *

It was nearly one o'clock in the morning, but the bar at Pino's was crowded with cops. Among the mass of off-duty homicide officers was one Joe Morelli, who was, at the moment, downing a vodka martini. Usually he was a beer kind of guy, but tonight had held the need for something stronger. After letting the empty glass fall back on the counter, Morelli signaled over the bartender to order his forth.

He wasn't close enough to the drunk stage. More like happy. Or painless. But even if his body was cleared of the physical pain, his brain was unwilling to shut down. Because he was pissed off, and even the hard liquor was not helping.

Things were a bit difficult between him and Stephanie at the moment. Morelli clenched a fist. Stephanie should be with _him _right now. Not off "comforting" Rico Suave halfway across town.

About a week ago, Morelli had gotten involved in a slightly messy case. There had been two homicides in Trenton, two days apart, and the case involved Morelli quite personally. It had started as only a domestic disturbance, and he had gotten word of Stephanie playing witness to a, for lack of a better word, _brawl_ last Tuesday outside of Cluck-in-a-Bucket. He had gotten on scene, but only to see something disturbingly frightening.

There had been two guys. Both on the tall and muscular sides. One of them had dark, curly hair, a slash through his eyebrow, and a visible eagle tattooed onto his chest, easily seen through the tears on his shirt. The other guy had dark skin, long hair pulled back into a ponytail, and was wearing SWAT black. But there was a problem.

The dark guy was not Manoso. And his buddy sure as hell was not Morelli.

Morelli had watched in horror for a minute before stepping in to break up the fight. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, Stephanie looking on in complete shock. And it was probably even worse for her, too. It turns out the guys were arguing over her.

Morelli held them both at arms length before he pulled out his gun. "Okay," he had said, raising his eyebrow at the sweaty, out-of-breath men before him, "What the hell is going on?"

Curly Hair glared at his counterpart. "This asshole made a pass at my girl."

Morelli glanced over at Stephanie. "Care to explain?" he asked, taking great care to keep his breathing under control.

She had stuck her hands up in an 'I surrender' gesture. "Hey, don't look at me. I was just going inside to pick up lunch for the office when _he _appears—" she jerked her thumb in Curly's direction "—and he's saying all these things to me—"

"Such as?"

"Oh, I don't know. Like, 'we could be so perfect together, we need to have a proper Burg wedding, we can have children, and…' Yeah, stuff like that."

Before Morelli could get a word in, SWAT Man cut him off. He glared at Curly. "She's not your property! Besides, I only came to ask her help for a distraction job tonight."

Stephanie raised a hand to her face in exasperation. "Who the hell are you two?"

Morelli had heard them both start shouting at the same time, but immediately he zoned them out. Instead, his eyes focused on something poking out of SWAT Man's pocket. Something black and lacey.

"Hey," Morelli knocked him on the shoulder in disgust, "What is that?"

Unashamedly, SWAT Man pulled the aforementioned object out of his pocket. It turns out that he had been carrying a set of lingerie in his pocket. Steph's eyes had nearly bugged out.

"_That's _what you wanted me to wear? Are you nuts?"

"Hey," SWAT Man had said in his defense, "I always have you wear the most overtly sexual outfit possible, not because it's imperative that you look like a common slut before each job, but just for my own slightly voyeuristic and masochistic benefit. I like to objectify women, if you haven't noticed." Well, SWAT Man was getting just a _tad_ defensive. But that was nothing on Curly next to him.

"Listen up, asshole! This is _my girlfriend_ that you're talking about! She wants to marry _me._ She wants to have _my _children. That's what's good for her! _Why doesn't anybody understand?_"

Stephanie had glanced at each of them before turning back to Morelli. "Yeah, can you lock these guys up and never let them out?"

Morelli had shrugged before turning around and cuffing them both. Hell, it was for their own good, as well as hers.

After taking them to jail, they had both gotten out on bail. And five days later, Curly had been found, dead as a doorknob. Nobody was really sure how he died, but it seemed like it was quick. And painful. SWAT Man came next. Just earlier today, he was found stuffed into a dumpster behind Giovichinni's. The cause of death, however, appeared to be the same as Curly's.

The whole case was very scary. Who were those guys, and who killed them? More important, _why_ did they die? 'Cause Morelli sure as hell did not want to be next.

After pondering the mysteries of life, Morelli pushed back his barstool, paid his tab, and left the restaurant. He decided not to chance driving tonight, but the air was warm so the mile or so walk home was not all that bad. Except when he thought about Stephanie, of course. _That _made him pissed. It's not like _he _got any alone time with Stephanie the night Curly died. And God knows he needed it. But it seemed that the second they got word of SWAT Man's untimely demise... Morelli balled his hands into fists again.

When Morelli finally reached home, he was ready to fall into bed and never wake up again. Too bad the following day would be just the beginning of his nightmares.

* * *

The first time Morelli had been able to relax all morning was on the plane, and even then he was stuck reviewing the file and reading autopsy reports. And the pictures included had done little to help his already queasy stomach. Turns out all those vodka martinis did affect him after all.

Eventually, a playful hand yanked away the file. "So, what? You're going to spend the entire flight brooding? C'mon, Morelli—let's play word association."

Morelli glanced over at an excited Terry Gilman, who still looked cool and sexy even when she was acting like a child. Morelli sighed. "I don't think so."

"Aw, what's wrong? Problems with the Bombshell Bounty Hunter?" Gilman cooed, obviously mocking him. Morelli gave an irritated sigh.

"Steph's pissed off at me again. We got into another fight this morning."

"Tell me about it."

He frowned and wracked his brain for the exact details. "I met up with her outside of the bail bonds office to tell her that I was going out of town."

"And?"

"And when I told her that I was working with you, she immediately got all defense and jealous and accused me of having sex with you."

Gilman laughed. "Wow, Morelli. You do realize that you _can_ just tell her that I'm a lesbian, right?"

"Well, that could work, but…," he glanced down at the notes in the file, "if I tell her that, then almost forty percent of ways that Steph and I can potentially break up will be completely destroyed. So you need to stay straight for the plot to work. See, it says right here," Morelli pointed to the notes.

"Did you get all this from the profiler?" she asked him.

Morelli nodded. "Yeah. Apparently our killer goes after clichés. I don't know what it means, but they do want you to stay safe. The killer is smart, and you seem to be an important cliché aspect of my sex life that makes Steph hate me for all of eternity. See, what does this morning tell you?"

Gilman shook her head in agreement. "Women," she said, "always jumping to conclusions…"

"Forks, Washington is a hotbed for clichés. We were tipped off that the killer may strike there next, so keep your eyes and ears peeled. We're gonna catch this bastard."

* * *

After arriving in Forks, Morelli and Gilman had gone immediately to the local police station, where they met with the police chief, Charlie Swan. When they explained the two crimes in Trenton, along with the many sure to follow, Chief Swan just shook his head.

"We haven't had any murders here lately. There's an occasional hunting accident, but this is really just a small, quiet town. The only real weirdos are, well, _normal _here."

"What do you mean, 'weirdos'?" Gilman asked. Chief Swan shrugged.

"There's a family that lives here, the Cullens. The parents are prominent members of our town, but the kids…" he trailed off, "Well, there are some interesting children in that family."

"Anything out of the ordinary?"

"Hmm, now that you mention it…"

* * *

Morelli and Gilman drove off the highway, geared up in their hardware and equipped with a crappy rental car. Gilman held the map, a crudely drawn series of lines on a piece of copy paper, and she navigated while Morelli drove through the foggy town of Forks to the residence of the Cullens. After about ten minutes of circling, they found the entrance to the driveway, and Morelli turned in. However, they did not expect the group of people they found standing in the driveway. Apparently, there was a confrontation going on.

Both Trenton cops got out of the car and shut their doors with a slam. They walked over to the group, who were barely paying attention to their newest visitors. Instead, they appeared to be in slight chaos.

A pretty blonde girl was standing on the outside of the melee, studying her family with a bored expression. Next to her, the two parents were attempting to restore order to the rest of their frazzled children. There was a short girl with spiky hair standing with her very tall, very big brother, and they both wore expressions of mute horror as they watched what could have been their look-alikes jump around. An auburn-haired boy sat on the ground, nearly in the fetal position, while he held his head. Meanwhile, a very average-looking girl was standing above him, muttering terrified exclamations. And to top it all off, there were two tall, blonde guys that were caught in an apparent staring contest, and they seemed to be fueling the tension in the driveway. Morelli and Gilman glanced at each other before approaching the parents.

"Excuse me, Sir, Ma'am," Morelli said quickly, "Are you the Cullens?"

The father sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, distraught. "Yes, we are. And _this_," he gestured to the mass of teenagers in front of him, "is my family. Somewhat."

"My name is Joe Morelli; this is my partner, Terry Gilman. We're members of the Trenton PD," Morelli quickly flashed his badge, "And Police Chief Swan told us that you had information about some disturbances here. Am I correct?"

The wife shook her head. "I'm not really sure what's happening. They look so similar, but four of these children are not my children. And they will not leave us alone."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?" Gilman offered sweetly.

"I'm Esme Cullen, and this is my husband, Carlisle. My children, Alice and Emmett—" she gestured to the spiky-haired girl and the big guy "—Rosalie—" the quiet blonde girl "—and Jasper." They glanced at the tall, blonde guy closest to them, who was currently engaged in the staring contest of a lifetime. It was so intense that there was the occasional rush of emotion, and it was after everyone in the driveway felt this that Alice turned irritably to Jasper.

"Can you cut it out? Look—she's doing it _again_!"

The Alice look-alike jumped about ten feet in the air. "Whee! I want to go _shopping_! Shopping, shopping, shopping! Jasper, _Jasper_," she cooed, dashing up next to Jasper, "I want to go shopping, but Bella _never _wants to go with me. She's _so _mean! She hates me! Take me shopping, 'kay? Please? Pretty _please_?"

Jasper shook her off his arm while Alice sighed. "My God. Why is it that the hyperactive idiot is the one that looks like _me_?"

"I think it's your haircut," Emmett said.

"My haircut? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Think about it. You have the pixie haircut. And I think you took Bella shopping about twice, but since you're a flat character with no personality, to a deluded fangirl, shopping appears as your only interest whatsoever, so your purpose in a fanfic is to be the hyperactive 'comic relief' that jumps around like she's had eighteen cups of coffee because Bella needs to be rescued from shopping, your obsession, by her knight-in-shining-armor, Edward." Emmett studied his sister for a moment. "Yeah, that seems about right. It's definitely the haircut."

As if to prove his point, the Alice look-alike, still babbling a mile a minute about shoes and hair accessories, promptly ran up the trunk of the nearest tree and disappeared there with a mad giggle. Alice sighed.

"Is that true, Emmett?" she asked miserably.

Emmett shrugged. "Sometimes, yeah. You've been known to have mental problems over your addiction to shopping. There are times when you can't go an hour without buying something. Sounds like trouble, sis. You should really get that checked out."

Alice grumbled and gave Emmett a quick slap in the arm. "Oh yeah? Well, you're not much better, Emmett."

Both Alice and Emmett glanced at look-alike Emmett. He was off, laughing to himself. "Haha, boobies…" the look-alike said. Emmett slapped a palm to his head.

"You think you've got it bad? Look at what I have to deal with," Emmett muttered. He watched his look-alike saunter over to the copycat Edward.

"Hey, Eddy!" look-alike Emmett said gleefully, "How are ya' feeling, Ed? I'm bored—game time! Truth or dare?"

"Emmett," the Edward copycat said as he glanced up at look-alike Emmett, "you know that I will never play, _ever_. I can already hear the dirty things your vulgar little mind is cooking up. And I swear, if you call me Eddy _one more time_—"

"Alright, so I'll just assume you chose dare. C'mon, Eddy-boy. Take off all your clothes! Let's go—time to get naked!"

"Emmett!" Bella turned to the look-alike, shocked. Her face was turning an unpleasant shade of red.

"What?" the look-alike shrugged innocently, "I thought that you would_ like_ it, Bella. Since you and the hundred-year-old-virgin obviously haven't been getting any action, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you two. Now, Edward! Strip! Or I'll call you a chicken!"

With a sigh, Edward's copycat stood up. "You know, Emmett? While I'm not really sure why you seem to be obsessed with the intimate details of my love life, and that you constantly make overt sexual metaphors and lewd double entendres around myself and my girlfriend, maybe you're right—I _should _strip. It doesn't matter that I'm not only modest and a gentleman, or that I just vehemently refused to be a part of your game, or that I'm a faster runner than you could ever hope to be—nope, I'm just going to do exactly what you told me to do, because you have that kind of control over my life. So I will take off all my clothing."

At that, the Edward copycat started to unbutton his shirt, but stopped when six angry vampires yelled, "_No!"_

Esme turned desperately to the Trenton cops. "Don't you see? It's chaos here. I don't know who these people are, or why they're here harassing my family, but this has to stop!"

"Hey, what's with the girl?" Gilman asked, gesturing to Bella.

"That's Bella," Carlisle answered, "She's my son, Edward's, girlfriend. But Edward isn't here right now. Just…Edward's, um, twin."

As the look-alike Jasper continued to twist everyone's emotions around, making the real Cullens inevitably more irritable, and the copycats inevitably more loud, hyper, and rude, look-alike Emmett walked over to Rosalie after giving up on "Edward".

"Hey, baby. Let's go have loud, passionate sex—just to annoy Edward!"

Rosalie's eyes flashed. "Listen to me, you stupid imposter. Do you see these eyes? _Red_. And that means I'm thirsty. So stay away from me, or else I might _slip_. Get. Lost."

"_Rosalie!_" Carlisle scolded, "That is not something to joke about."

"You heard my warning," she said coldly. The look-alike nodded and then backed away slowly.

Morelli and Gilman walked futilely at the family in front of them. It was just like back in Trenton, but here it was even more complicated. With the emotions flying everywhere, Morelli could barely muster up the energy to pull out a pair of cuffs and take down the nearest look-alike. So he was shocked when the imposter Alice jumped down from the tree.

"Hey, _hey! _Guess what! I just saw someone in the tree! They were wearing fishnets, and they were _so _cool! Bella, we totally need to go to the mall and buy you fishnets! Bella, what do you think?"

Bella sighed as the look-alike Alice jumped around her. "Alice, you know that I don't like to shop."

"No, we're going! _Please, _Bella? Please? It could be _so _fu—"

Alice stopped talking, her eyes widened, she gasped, and then she feel over. Everyone stopped moving for a moment before Carlisle ran over to the look-alike, collapsed on the floor. He felt for a pulse.

Carlisle looked up at everyone with wide eyes. "She's dead."

Morelli glanced at Gilman. "Shit."

"What's going on here?" she asked, white faced.

"Something that's out of our control. We need help here. Fast." Morelli walked away from the group and pulled out his cell phone. It wasn't long before he was connected with information, and then to the Jeffersonian in Washington D.C. Morelli tapped his feet while he waited for someone to pick up on the other end.

When he finally got through to Dr. Camille Saroyan, Morelli wasted no time in explaining the situation.

"It would be a big help here to have the assistance of the forensic anthropologist Dr. Brennan in this case. I've seen firsthand the death, and I have no idea how to explain the cause. Maybe if we had her help, we could get some answers."

He was asked to hold on, and for several minutes Morelli waited for the doctor to get back on the phone with him. When she finally did, it was not the answer he was expecting.

Dr. Saroyan said, quite bitterly, "Sorry, but at the moment, Dr. Brennan is at the diner, eating pie and ignoring obvious sexual tension with her partner. So you'll just have to catch her at a better time." And then she hung up.

Morelli stared at the phone in obvious disbelief before rejoining the group. "Gilman, what's the story?" he asked her.

"We don't know how she died. But I called 911, and they're sending people over."

Before Morelli could go over to the father and offer his help, the tree that the late look-alike Alice had jumped out of shook, and a girl jumped down. She had a knife in her hand, and regarded the group coolly. Morelli stepped forward and raised his gun.

"Put your hands up."

The girl couldn't have been older than sixteen. She was dressed in earth tones, had gravity-defying hair, and, like the imposter said, was wearing fishnets in peculiar places. She smirked.

"One down."

"Hey!" Morelli yelled, "Put your weapon down!"

The girl opened her hand and dropped her knife, but the smirk stayed on her face. "Want to know what I'm doing?" she asked coolly. "I'm here to kill the clichés."

Gilman glanced at Morelli. "Just like the file said," she whispered ominously.

"That's right. I came to kill them. Because if they don't die," she took a step forward, "then Sasuke-kun will never receive the… _mangekyo sharingan!"_

The Cullens stared, wide-eyed, at the girl. She sighed, and her voice became dreamy. "That's right," she continued, "my beloved, Sasuke-kun. He's just so…_kawaii_."

Alice gasped. "She's an _otaku!_"

"Hey, Alice!" Emmett said quickly, "What's an _otaku?_"

"Someone that's obsessed with Japanese culture—in this case, the anime series _Naruto_."

"Wait," Gilman said, "I thought that we were only crossing over two worlds here. Hey, Morelli! What's going on?"

"Oh, don't worry," Alice said, "Detective Morelli has already dragged _Bones _into this too, what's one more?"

"Enough chatter!" the girl yelled, "I'm going to take you down! If I don't kill all these clichés, then Sasuke-kun will never be able to gain the _mangekyo sharingan! _I'm not going to let anyone stop me! And I'll never forgive you!"

So with a dramatic flash of light and the swirling of some Chakra, the look-alikes Emmett and Jasper fell to the floor. And everyone was so preoccupied with coughing away the smoke that they missed Bella fall to the floor as well. It was only when the clouds cleared away that Alice let out a cry.

"Hey, she killed Bella!"

Everyone turned to the now-still human sprawled on the ground. Emmett turned to the otaku, furious.

"Hey, Bella was _not _an imposter! Why'd you have to go and kill her too?"

The girl stared down at Bella for a minute before shrugging. "Sorry, I didn't notice. I guess she was just a cliché from the start."

And with that, the girl disappeared from sight, and everyone crowded around Bella's body. Finally, it was Jasper that broke the silence.

"Shit. Edward's going to be _mad._"

* * *

**Okay, I have no idea where **_**that **_**came from. Drop me a review if you love it or hate it—or even anything in between. Requests and suggestions are cool too. Peace.**


	4. As Discreet as Hippopotami

**Okay, for those of you that were confused by the events in chapter three, that was a **_**parody**_**. You can kindly disregard that whole entry, if you like, but as a general note to everyone, Matrix, Grace and I are Twilight-haters, so expect a little bit of…fun-poking in our stories. However, you may find that you like this entry better, because it maintains a little bit more, um, seriousness. Yeah.**

**Wow, Rendezvous got nearly seven hundred hits. I'm impressed—I thought that we would get, I don't know…maybe ten? So this was a pleasant surprise.**

**RLM is back, by the way. And while I'm sure this constant switching of authors may get a little chaotic, well… whatever. You guys can read, you'll figure it out :P But just to be sure, everyone **_**does **_**know that what Matrix and I write are separate, right? We just love each other so much that we decided to publish it together (cue "aw…")**

**Pay no attention to the fact that the cast of Twilight would not randomly show up in a movie theater in Trenton. For the purposes of this fic, I am distorting the world of fiction.**

* * *

"I need a soda. And a big-ass popcorn too."

Lula and I perused over the snack counter at the movies. I was debating between Raisinets and Gobstoppers. Raisinets because they were okay to eat, calorie-wise—hey, they _do _have raisins in them—and the Gobstoppers because they change colors. In the end, I ended up getting both.

Well, what did you expect?

We were seeing the latest George Clooney film. Lula argued that she had been feeling deprived of "a good dose of testosterone" after Tank left on an assignment four days prior, so we decided to stop embarrassing ourselves trying to be bounty hunters and end the day early. So the two of us took a trip to the movie theater in the mall to watch George Clooney in all his glory on the big screen.

After placing our orders, which consisted of large sodas, multiple selections of candy, and one of those huge tubs of popcorn to share, we made our way into the theater. The theater turned out to be pretty crowded, consisting of many couples a few years past the geriatric stage, but we managed to find two seats towards the middle of the theater. Lula promptly shoved her feet up on the back of the chair in front of her, much to the displeasure of the occupant of that seat.

"Um…" A guy turned around, most likely a teenager. He glanced at Lula, double-taking at her getup of silver spandex pants and bright pink halter top about four sizes too small. "Do you think you can put your feet down, please?" he asked quickly.

Lula shrugged and dropped her feet to the floor. "No prob, kid." And with that, she turned to me with a shake of the head. "Kids," she mumbled, "No respect."

In lieu of responding, I took a big gulp of soda, inadvertently choking. As I sputtered, Lula gave me a few good whacks on the back.

"You okay?" She eyed me, presumably to see whether I would fall onto the floor and die or not.

"I'm fine," I rasped.

"Well, good. I'm gonna go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Guard my stuff."

Left to the task of "guarding" Lula's things, basically a furry white jacket and a couple boxes of candy, I tore off the lid of my Gobstoppers and popped one in my mouth, letting myself sink down into my chair and stare around the room. The previews hadn't started yet—we were still in the 'meaningless ads with elevator music' phase—and the most exciting thing in the theater was the conversation in front of me. So by exciting, I meant dull as hell.

"I'm _fine_, Edward," the girl sitting in the seat in front of me said.

"Are you sure?" the guy, Edward, asked. "You don't want any food or anything? I don't want you to get hungry. Did you eat breakfast this morning?"

"Don't worry, _Mom_. Besides, I told you that I do not like eating in front of you."

"But you are so adorable when you eat. I love the noises that you make."

Oh_-kay_. I mentally plugged my ears. This was exactly why I did not like teenagers. One, respect problems, as Lula pointed out. And two, they were all awkwardly horny. I did not need to hear conversations about weird, food-related sexual metaphors between two kids in the freaking movie theater.

I could have sworn that the guy glanced back at me with a raised eyebrow, but I ignored him in favor of trying to solve the word search on the back of the candy box. It was only when Lula crammed her way back into the row, to the displeasure of many of the occupants of the seats she was passing, that I looked up again.

"I'm ready for some George Clooney action," she said as she sat back down. "He's one good-lookin' guy. Maybe not as good as Batman or Tank, but a fine second choice. Hey, Steph! We should have brought along your grandma—she would've appreciated this movie real good."

"I'm sure," I muttered. There were a lot of things that Grandma Mazur would appreciate. Like watching wrestling, or Ranger's ass…among other parts of him. But I tried not to think about that, at least for Ranger's sake. Because Grandma scares the hell out of him.

But to my relief, although the movie theater was full of a large crowd of senior citizens, Grandma was not one of them. She was getting her hair done, so we were safe. For now, at least.

"Hey, Steph, you talked to Batman lately?" Lula asked, nudging me.

I frowned. "We talked this morning. Why?"

"'Cause I'm missin' my honey. Did the man in black say when he was gonna be back?"

My meeting with Ranger this morning didn't consist of much talking, so I was finding it difficult to answer Lula's question. Instead, Ranger and I had made out in the alley by the bail bonds office. After a moment of thought, the best answer I could give Lula was, "I'll ask him". She seemed mildly dissatisfied.

"Hnnh. That's disappointing. Tank's gotta stop going on these long assignments. He should remember his priorities back here, I think."

"If you feel really strongly about it, I think that you should give Ranger a formal complaint. In person." A little wicked, I'll admit, but at the moment I was a tad peeved at Ranger. It was his fault for getting me all hot and bothered this morning in the alley and then not doing anything about it later. Lula shrugged.

"In the meantime, it's just you and me and George, white girl. He's got one fine ass."

We settled into silence as the previews started, and then the lights dimmed even more and the movie started. It was the typical suspenseful mix of action, drama, comedy, and of course, the absolutely gorgeous George Clooney. I gave Lula props for picking this movie—watching the protagonist's suave and sexy character was enjoyable. And I preferred him _so _much to Ranger right now.

About a third of the way through the movie, when Lula's foot had long since found its way back up to the back of the Edward guy's seat, the couple in front of us started to, um, get into it.

Let me just say right now that it's pretty gross when two teenagers sitting in the seats in front of you are making out during a movie. They weren't even trying to be inconspicuous, so not only were Lula and I and everyone else in the vicinity treated to the view, but we were also in direct line for their pleasant sound effects, all sucky, breathy, gaspy sounds that you can think of.

Being as stubborn as I am, there was no way that I was going to get up and try to find different seats just because a couple of stupid kids were lip-locking in the movie theater. So I endured it, or at least tried to ignore it for a while, until Lula reached into my box of Gobstoppers, pulled out a couple, and threw them at Edward's head. He immediately jerked away from his girlfriend and turned around to glare at Lula.

Before he could get words out, Lula shook her head. "You two are about as discreet as hippopotami. Get a room, will ya'? The rest of us are tryin' to watch the movie."

Even in the dark light, I could see the girlfriend turn beat red, and Edward muttered a stiff apology.

I refocused my attention to the screen. We were up to the part of the movie where people were trying to figure stuff out. This was before everything would fall apart at the last minute, but after the point where you've finally got the main characters' names straight. I settled back into my seat and re-crossed my legs. There was something about sitting still for a long period of time that just didn't work too well for me. Movies included. I felt the need to shift often.

At around the halfway point of the movie, my stomach didn't feel too great, so I put down my box of Raisinets and mentally told myself I wouldn't eat any more junk for the rest of the day. Well, maybe the rest of the hour…but I was trying, right? However, I did get the strange craving for just a little bit of non-headache-inducing fluid, so I got up and decided to go buy water.

The line was empty, but the damn water bottle still cost me 2.55—I swear, inflation was going to keep me mooching off my parents for life if prices didn't go down soon. And, you know, it would help if I was just a _little bit_ better at my job. Oh well.

I went back into the theater and nearly got lost in the dark, but a dramatic flash on the screen filled the room with a bright white light, so I was able to spot Lula. I made my way over to her and sat down.

"Did I miss anything good?"

Lula just kind of shrugged and gestured to the screen—standard movie-watching sign language for 'shut the hell up and let me watch.' And I was all ready to get back into it too, until, of course, the kids in front of me started mumbling.

Well, more like trying to talk very quietly but failing miserably. The girl seemed a little P.O.'d, to say the least.

"_Edward_," she hissed, "I'll be fine! No one is going to attack me in the movie theater."

"Bella, you don't know that. I knew it was too dangerous to come out—we should have stayed in the hotel room."

"We came here, to the _mall_, because it's crowded. He won't find me. For goodness sake, I can go to the bathroom without an escort!"

Just like any argument, it naturally became louder with each outburst. They only quieted down when someone shushed them from behind us. But still, Edward leaned forward, "quiet" once again, and spoke to his girlfriend.

"You know that I just want you to stay safe. If anything were to happen to you—"

He was cut off by the telltale non-silence of the vibrating of a cell phone, which he pulled out of his pocket and brought quickly to his ear.

"Alice," he muttered, "Do you have any information on—"

A pause. Lula leaned in towards me a spoke way softer than the two kids were. "Damn, that guy's startin' to get on my nerves. Doesn't he know you're supposed to shut the fuck up in a movie theater? And we're getting to the good part, too. They about to go shoot some guys." We looked up at George holding a .45 and Lula licked her lips. "Mmm, I love a man with a big gun."

Before I could contemplate the double entendre, the guy was back to talking on his phone. "That's great, thanks, Alice." Edward snapped the phone shut and turned to his girlfriend. "Bella, Alice is in the mall right now. She'll come and escort you to the bathroom, so you won't be in any da—"

Bella gave an exasperated sigh and half-stood up, so I had to crane my neck to see over her. "Edward, you're being ridiculous! I can go for five minutes without one of you guys watching my every move."

"Bella, love, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm not going to get hurt if you just trust me a little."

"Bella—"

"Alright," Lula glared up at the two of them. "Take your fricken' lovers' quarrel somewhere else, will ya'? 'Cause you're getting damn annoying."

So Lula stood up, and dumped her soda right over their heads.

* * *

**It was short, but it still took a long time to write. And we'll just pretend that Bella is being, I don't know…tracked or something by some ravenous vampire that wants to eat her. Thus, the whole "wanting to stay safe" bit.**

**Another fic by the humble RLM. Who wouldn't mind a couple of reviews, by the way.**


	5. Fangs and Strings and Shiny Things Pt II

**Yay, Matrix is back! And her second chapter of Fangs and Strings and Shiny Things is fantabulous, if I do say so myself. (This is RLM writing the Author's Note, by the way :P) So enjoy her piece, because it's very fun. I personally can't wait to see what happens next.**

* * *

I awoke to Edward shaking my shoulders.

"Bella, love, are you alright? Speak to me!" he urged, shaking me hard. He seemed very afraid.

"I'm fine, Edward," I answered, getting annoyed. "I was just so exhausted, and the next thing I knew, I closed my eyes and I was asleep. It's normal."

"No, Bella, it isn't. I am not able to sleep. Why are you? This is puzzling." Edward looked at me with a blank gaze, empty of feelings. He was deep in thought. I put my arms around my body in a fetal position. I was afraid. Would Edward still love me now that he knew I _had_ to sleep, that my body still needed recharging? Maybe he wouldn't. I had no idea what was happening inside his head.

"We'll have to speak to Carlisle," Edward concluded. "He can help us." Edward finished the sentence with emphasis, so it greatly relieved me to know that he considered my problems his own. "We should leave now. The sooner we contact Carlisle, the sooner we can figure out what's going on."

"Okay," I agreed. I stood up from the couch, and together we exited the room I had been staying in. I looked around and realized I had no idea where we were. I was confused. We were in a large room, richly decorated with dark drapes and comfy couches. It was no where I had ever seen before.

Edward, noticing my distress, told me, "We're in an empty house. The people who lived here went on an around-the-world trip. They've been gone for a long time, so there's no evident human smell. The house is outside Seattle; we had to get you out of Forks, since those wolves would have attacked us. Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett are at the house for now and while we're in Trenton, for our "honeymoon", they will remain there. Then we're going to have to find another place to live; you can't around people you knew previous to the change. The family will join us soon, maybe in a year or two when it won't be too suspicious for them to leave."

"Where are we going to go after Trenton?" I asked.

"We need to stay there for a while, to assimilate you to the smell of blood. Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper are going to look for a new house for us."

Edward studied me for a moment and questioned, "Dear, aren't you hungry? Do you want food?"

"A little," I answered. "I can wait to eat until we get to Trenton."

"You're doing marvelous," Edward told me, his eyes flashing. He gave me a kiss on the forehead. He let go of my hand and reached behind me. Giving me a backpack, he told me, "Put this on our back. You can't run by yourself yet, so hold on to me tight."

I got on his back, and he walked quietly to the front door. Opening the door, we exited into the dark woods around the house.

"We're going to arrive in Trenton in the morning. It's five am now, meaning eight am there, but with the bad weather, it will still be dark. We should arrive there in about an hour," Edward told me before he began running at his top speed, too fast to hear anything but the wind rustling through my ears.

* * *

As I drove along the roads to Vinnie's bond office, I noticed the roads were getting even worse in the prevailing storm. Great. Just my luck. The last thing I needed was my "new" car to get stuck in snow somewhere, or to break down. At least Ranger was being over-protective as always. He had put a tracking device in my purse a while back, so at least I knew Ranger could have one of his Merry Men come to save me if something happened. Plus, he always had someone keep an eye on me, whether it was my GPS dot or in extreme situations, someone following me.

When I rounded the corner to the bonds office, I was feeling better. I would be able to relax with Connie and Lula in the warmth, steal one or two of their donuts and have Lula drive me around if I needed her to.

I parked in the lot and looked around. I was glad Ranger wasn't in, as I knew he would make fun of my needing a new car. I walked inside, keeping a lookout. Aside from loosing my footing on the slippery pavement, I walked inside the office without incident.

Connie and Lula looked up from their work when I walked in.

"Hey," I said, collapsing on one of the hard plastic chairs next to the window.

"Why didn't we hear you coming in?" asked Lula. The Buick had been so loud, anyone within a half-block radius would have been alerted of my presence at the office. Lula, dressed in acid green leggings and a lemon yellow furry sweater, looked outside the window at my car. "You finally got around to buying a new car?" she asked.

"Yeah," I answered. The last FTA I had tracked down was a high-bond, so after a celebratory dinner with Lula and paying my rent for the next two months, I barely had enough money to afford the car, much less my groceries.

"It's pretty nice," Connie said. Connie is Vinnie's secretary, is Italian, and is ten pounds heavier and an inch shorter than me.

"It looks like that from the outside," I told Connie. "It has close to 50,000 miles on it."

"Really?" she asked. "Looks pretty good, still."

"Enough car talk," I said. "We're acting like guys. Do you have any leftover donuts?"

Lula pointed to a box sitting on top of a stack of papers needing to be filled. Lula wasn't quite on top of her job. She spent most of her time working with me to catch criminals. I needed all the help I could get. Ranger has offered some of his Merry Men in the past, but never anymore, since, well, the time everyone assigned to help me was injured. But that's another story.

I took a donut and bit into it. Jelly. My favorite.

In between bites, I asked, "So, what brings you two in here so early?"

"We set up an interview for another bounty hunter. They never showed, and we figured we should just give up looking," Connie explained.

"Steph, you and I can handle those losers. We've got it under control," Lula told me.

"Are there any FTAs?" I asked Connie, ignoring what Lula had told me. No matter what she thought, we'd never be good enough bounty hunters to take down all of the perps we needed to.

"Not right now," she said. "I'll tell you when one comes in." Even though I wouldn't have any money until a new FTA came in, I didn't care about not having any. I needed a bit of a break.

"Okay, thanks." I sat back down on the chair and polished off my donut.

Few people had passed in their cars, and even fewer had bustled by on foot. It was a cold, slushy day, and only those who had things to do got out of bed. Lula began whine about missing Tank, one of Ranger's Merry Men.

"So, Steph, could you please talk to Ranger? I can't talk to that fine man; he'd make me wet my pants, he's so hot. He'll listen to you, 'cause he's so keen on you. Please talk to him? Just for me? You know, we're partners. We women gotta support each other," Lula pleaded me. Now, I don't want to talk to Ranger about Tank and Lula's love life, since our relationship is much more confusing. Especially with Morelli, my on-again, off-again boyfriend, in the mix. We were now in our off-again stage, after he blamed my job for causing all of my accidents, including my cars being blown up.

"You would be so much safer if you quit your job. You could live with me, you know." Morelli had paused and whispered in my ear, "No more sleepovers, since we could see each other all the time," he played with my earring, giving me shivers.

I pulled away from him. "I like my job," I argued him. "It keeps me on my toes. And why should I sit at home, playing housewife with nothing to do? I need some excitement in my life, I need a sense of purpose."

"Cupcake," he said, "your job is the reason you're in so much danger. You should quite before you get any permanent damage from it." Then, I got angry.

"How can you insult my job? I have a good job." I had said, raising my voice. "And what about your job? It puts you in danger all the time! You're a cop!" I stopped for a second to collect myself and then plowed onwards. "This is insulting. Are you saying I can't handle things as well as you can? Well, then maybe I can't handle this relationship. I'm leaving," I announced, gathering up a laundry basket of my clothes, my hamster, Rex, in his cage, and my purse. I kicked Bob, Morelli's large red dog, away from my legs as he begged to be taken out, opened the door and slammed it behind me. As I left, I heard Morelli mutter something about "that time of the month". This made me even angrier, and I got into my car and sped away to my apartment.

Phone calls from Morelli weren't answered because of my anger towards him. Well, that had been a week ago, and he hadn't tried to call me since day two. We hadn't seen each other since that night. I tried to stay away from place he went, like Pino's and the supermarket near his house. Thankfully, I hadn't been in any trouble or accidents since my car blew up, and I had been able to avoid him.

Ranger and I were able to talk more, since I didn't have Morelli over my shoulder. We had let our guard down once or twice around each other, but for the most part, we were being good. Ranger knew I would go back to Morelli eventually, so he was just keeping me safe. We had the same relationship as always- just as awkward, and just as compelling to move up a notch. Which made my answer to Lula difficult.

"You know what, Lula, I'll try to talk to Ranger if it comes up in conversation. Right now, though, I've gotta go. Things to do, people to see. So I'll see you later." And with that, I left the office, waving goodbye to Lula and Connie, and I got into the Mazda. I figured I didn't want to hear about Tank anymore, because it made me think of, well, Ranger. And these days, thinking of Ranger was tricky business.

* * *

Edward and I arrived in the outskirts of Trenton at a little after nine o'clock, eastern time. It was snowing hard, and the roads were wet and slippery.

We were about two miles away from the city, and I could already smell something very alluring to me. It smelled like food did when I was still human, and I became hungry. I had gotten snatches of smells like this on the way here, but since we were going so fast, they were long gone before I could think of them twice. Now, we were stationary, and the alluring aroma was catching up to me, as was an odd stench I couldn't quite place. No need to fret about it, or to tell Edward, though. It was probably just a new smell I could now perceive with my heightened senses; I would just have to get used to it.

"We're staying here," Edward said as we emerged from a group of trees, once he checked for anyone around us. In case he hadn't noticed, I pointed out, "It's snowing. No one wants to be out on a Saturday morning during a wild snow storm like this one." Edward didn't respond, and we continued up to the door of a small house on a large lot. He unlocked the door, and we stepped inside the foyer.

"This is it," Edward told me. "We can't stay in an apartment building, as there are so many people around. Same thing with a hotel. So, Carlisle decided this would be our best choice. As time progresses, we can travel closer to Trenton, and we can go into the city by car. Carlisle thought this approach would work better on newborns. We'll have to see how you react." He patted my shoulder in a reassuring manner.

I was a little appalled at Edward's willingness to put me into this situation. We had no idea what would happen to me if I was around so many people so soon. He was putting me into this dangerous position, and anything could happen to me. I was so tired, so I let it pass. Edward did, after all, know what was best for me. He has been though this before.

Edward unlocked the door and told me, "I'll give you a key soon. When we have your thirst under control, and when I'll be here to monitor you."

"What do you mean, when you're here? Aren't you always going to be here?" I questioned, knowing my panic of him leaving showed though in my quavering voice.

"Dear," Edward started, "I have to go get some food for both of us. It's been days since we've both eaten." I looked into his maroon eyes and realized we were in danger. Edward was thirsty, and so was I. We both hadn't eaten since he bit me—he had watched over me carefully, never letting me out of his sight. Until now.

"You go," I told him. I loved Edward, so I didn't want him to be hungry; the danger in his eyes becoming too red was enough to ignore my selfish wish for him to stay for company.

"You'll be fine," he reassured me. "Just try to stay calm and close your eyes, and I'll bring you back food; you're not strong enough to hunt quite yet." Edward carried me to our living room. The room was exquisitely furnished, with a high-tech stereo, many cds, and a large black couch. He dropped me on the couch and made me lie down. He kneeled down next to me and said, "Don't worry. I'll be back as soon as possible. If you feel stressed, listen to some music. It will help to pass the time. Use the phone," he pointed to a cordless telephone on a table near the couch, "in case of an emergency. Call me, or, if you can't, call the family." He kissed me on the lips in parting, and exited the room.

"Bye," I called. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he responded. "I'll be back as soon as I can be." And with that, I heard the door open and close, and the lock click in place. I was alone.

* * *

Driving back to my apartment, I was stuck in my thoughts. The roads were empty, so I didn't have to think about other cars on the road like always. Instead, my thoughts were on my love life. True, I missed Morelli, but he always bothered me about my job. I needed his comments about my dangerous job just as much as I needed people to shoot at me and putting me in danger. Not very much.

The dangers in my job were obvious, but that never stopped me from getting it done. I needed the money. Trying other jobs in the past had left me broke, without money to pay my rent. So, I figured that I was better off with my job now. Danger found me anyway, and at least with my job, I knew it was always around the corner. So, I was always prepared. For the most part.

I found myself back to my apartment. Unlocking the door, I looked around the room. Everyone and everything found its way into my apartment, whether or not the door was locked. Nothing seemed to be moved or touched, so I took that to mean my apartment hadn't been entered. Feeling very tired, I went into my bedroom and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt.

I figured I could take a relaxing nap. After all, it was snowing, and school had been cancelled. No one was out on the roads, so I figured no one was going to get into trouble.

I lie down in my bed and fall asleep.

* * *

**Okay...quick ending note. We have had close to a thousand hits for this story, but only nine reviews. And a couple of them were from Matrix. So, _come on_, people! Get off your lazy asses and give us a review. Seriously, it takes about ten seconds total. Che, bastards...**

**Another quick thing. Graffigraphy (RLM) is going to Europe for a month, so she is not sure if she will be able to get to a computer, let alone update at all until early August. So we're going to have to go on a bit of a hiatus for July. Sorry! But in the meantime, we think that Matrix (www fanfiction net/u/1601189/matrix1114 - add in the dots!) will be updating during this month, on whatever fun stuff she decides to write, so definitely keep your eyes peeled for her! She's great.**

**And by the way, Matrix. Get Grace to finish the one shot that she started. It was epic. Hilariously epic.**


	6. Fangs and Strings and Shiny Things PtIII

**Okay. Wow.**

**I know that we've been gone for months and months, and on behalf of Matrix and myself, we are both terribly sorry. The summer proved to be a bad time for writing, and as any high school student would understand, September hasn't been a walk in the park either. But we're back, and we're going to try and update as often as possible. All for you, lovelies.**

**But right now, I want to thank all of our reviewers. Although our story is complete epic awesomeness, it's not the most heavily reviewed. For everyone that's been dropping comments, you rock even more epic awesomeness than our beloved story. Though I would like to especially commend our reviewer xShidoniiX, because he/she got all of my Naruto references in the third chapter, which I thought no one would understand (unless, of course, you're as dorky as RLM, who will admit that she has watched Naruto in the past ;P) **

**And now, Matrix's latest addition, the third chapter of "Fangs and Strings and Shiny Things". Her story is developing into quite the drama, no? So I hope this will tide over your Rendezvous craving for the time being, and I will promise a oneshot from RLM sometime in the next week or so, and Matrix's fourth chapter before Halloween! Thanks for sticking by us, and we strongly encourage all to keep reading! Rendezvous will rock your socks, my dears. **

* * *

I was still lying down two hours later. I was more hungry than ever, and waiting for my food made me distressed and aggravated. I needed to get out and find something for myself or I would explode.

I knew Edward would be at least another hour or two. And I also knew I was so hungry, I was willing to go out into Trenton to find something—_anything_—to eat. Even human food. Pizza sounded quite appealing then.

I thought rationally. It was still snowing, so humans wouldn't want to trek out into the cold stormy weather. No one would see me; I could nip out to the nearest supermarket and buy some raw meat. If I ate it on the way home, Edward would never know—unless he came back early.

I left him a note, telling him I was going to run to the nearest A&P for food. Just in case he came back early.

Leaving the door unlocked, I walked down the steps and to the sidewalk. I walked a bit, stretching my legs as I did so. The only thing that bothered me were my legs, as I was walking on them for the first time in four days. Walking for five minutes, no one passed by on foot. Only one car passed by, a horrid stench following behind it for a few seconds. I figured the smell was just the exhaust, a new scent I could finally smell.

I kept looking behind me, wondering if someone was there. Was Edward watching me in the shadows? Impossible—he would have stopped me by now. The Volturi wouldn't be watching me; they would be happy no mortal lived to know the secret of the vampires.

After fifteen minutes of walking, I was a bit tired. I stopped, breathing in and out heavily, to see if I could smell anything. I couldn't smell any of the humans in the houses on either side of me; the houses were set very far back from the road. But I could smell something. There was a sweet, delicious aroma wafting towards me from behind, probably coming up the road.

I looked back, and sure enough, there was a truck. A smile began to form on my lips; I was ravenous, and something to eat was coming right towards me. And I knew the perfect way to get that food...

* * *

BAM! The truck slowed down to a complete stop, shocking the truck driver, who had been going at a steady forty miles per hour.

"What the...?" the driver mumbled, exiting the truck to see what the damage was.

He stared in shock at his truck. It had a gaping whole and a large, car-shaped, indentation at the side. It looked as though a _car_ had been thrown at the truck! The car in question was lying next to the truck. Unless it came off of a ramp like in Grand Theft Auto, it would have been impossible to fathom... This would be difficult to explain to his boss.

With the big hole, he'd have to get a new truck before continuing the delivery... he might be put on probation... he could even lose his job. He got out his cell phone and called the police, stating what had happened. Then he began to dial his boss, a sinking feeling in his chest.

* * *

Inside the truck, I stood transfixed, marveling at the wonderful aromas surrounding me. I grabbed four big boxes of food, even though I wasn't quite sure exactly what was inside. It was probably meat, and because it smelled delicious, but it was very light. I figured it was light because I was stronger with my new super powers.

"Mmmm," I said to myself, pausing one last time to smell the delicious aroma, before walking to the gap in the truck's wall. Jumping down from the truck, I started walking away, thinking the falling snow was thick enough to hide me from view. While walking, I opened one of the packages and peeked inside.

"Yum!" I thought. Inside were rows and rows of Twinkies, one of my favorite snacks when I was human. The smell was so delicious that I couldn't resist opening a package and stuffing both Twinkies into my mouth. I started chewing, my mouth completely full, before I tasted the horrible flavor.

"Eww," I said, spraying pieces of Twinkie everywhere. I started gagging, trying to get that awful taste out of my mouth.

Little did I know that the truck driver saw me eating the Twinkies and, having just gotten off the phone with his boss, snapped a picture of my back before yelling, "Hey, you! Get back here!"

I turned around, seeing the truck driver for the first time. He snapped another picture of me, and started running towards me. Struggling with the Twinkies in my mouth, I started to run, finding difficulty in swallowing or spitting out the Twinkies.

Now, if one was thinking logically of vampires, they would figure I would have no problem running; I don't need air to live, but I breathe because I've become so accustomed to breathing.

So, when I was running with the Twinkies stuck in my throat, one familiar with Stephanie Meyer's ideas of vampires would assume that I would still be able to run. Wrong!

When I began to choke, I collapsed to the ground, unable to run because I couldn't breathe. The truck driver caught up to me, no problem, and stood over me while I was choking on the Twinkies, trying to spit them out. When the police came a minute later, I was finally able to breathe, but was spitting to get rid of the horrible Twinkie flavor. I knew the police were here (I heard the sirens), so I figured I'd never be able to get away.

The first cop who came was standing above me. He was quite good looking, I acknowledged, even through my watery choking eyes. He handcuffed me, and I started to wonder if he liked that kind of thing, but then felt bad, because—Edward!

_Oh no_, I thought, what was Edward going to say to me? He would be so disappointed, and so worried when he finds I'm not home, and won't be home when he arrived. When he finally finds me, he will be livid, and he'll never let me out of his sight.

Led to the police car, I wondered how Edward would ever find me...

I was, as always, so concerned about Edward and how he would punish me that I never realized that I was around at least half a dozen humans and was not hungry. In fact, I couldn't even acknowledge that I smelled something very bad... I thought nothing of it because I figured it was just because of the horrible Twinkie taste.

I got into the police car and hoped Edward would save me.

* * *

**Any feedback is welcome. Love it or hate it, let us know :)**

**XOXO Matrix and RLM**


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